Grieving an Idealized Body is Part of the Process
Today is a hard day. And I’m not saying that with a desire of receiving sympathy, but I’m saying it to offer some common humanity.
My legs are moving, but very slowly. My coordination is a bit off. I feel tired, and though I don’t believe I could sleep right now, I simultaneously feel like I could sleep for a year.
Not all days are like this. Some days are easier than others.
I think about the amount of time that I used to spend grieving my body. Grieving my functional body, more accurately. It took up a lot of space for me. And I think that I needed that space to get to the place that I am in now.
I needed to feel sad and angry and misunderstood and alone to get to a place where I rarely feel those feelings at all. Of course I still do, but I’m able to frame them in a very different way.
For me, grieving a body started with the grieving of my actual physical body. Now, I use that energy and frustration when I think about systemic ableism. The fact that parts of the planet are now off-limits for me. That sucks. But that is not actually about my body at all. That is about culture and a society that has yet to make room for all bodies.
The fact that we live in a world that doesn’t make room for marginalized bodies is something I will mourn until it changes. And I will do everything that I can to shift the balance in favor of those who live with oppression. I fully acknowledge that all that I can do is speak my truth, but my activist parts are getting fiery.
Your body might be changing in ways that you don’t feel comfortable with. You may or may not easily navigate societal standards. And it’s okay that you have feelings about this. It is reasonable that you might crave a body that you once had, or never had.
Our culture lies when it states that there is only one way to have a body. That is bullshit. I wish for you to be so at home in your body that you are nearly impervious to these messages.
I wish for you to be so at home in your body if in fact, you feel at home there, that there is nowhere else that you would rather be. And if you have to feel sorrow before you find peace, allow yourself to feel.
Grieving is allowed. Allow.
