My Wish For You
Push - Resist - Reject - Ignore - Avoid
Comply - Conform - Push - Earn
These are words that diet and wellness culture and white supremacy elevate. To suggest that putting endless effort into battling against one’s body is a uniformly good thing. A thing to be admired.
These are also words that to me, indicate extraordinary disconnection. Throughout my adventure of chronic illness, I’ve pushed hard. I’ve rejected my body. I’ve been convinced that I just need to do that next right thing. I have abused myself for not doing it right. I’ve resisted identifying with my disease. Multiple sclerosis? Sure, I have it, but that’s not me...I’m not that young person with the disabling disease. And if I am, I must be doing something wrong. I must’ve eaten the wrong food. I must not of gotten enough sleep. I must have under committed to my movement regime. I must not be consistent enough. I should be pushing harder.
And the story goes on. And I don’t get better. And I feel trapped in my body. And I speak very unkindly of it. And I feel worse because I do so. And then I am given a gift: I experience the world as a disabled person, and for the first time in my life, I become invisible.
And I am heartbroken, and frustrated, and furious, and heartbroken all over again. But I am reminded that my body is not the reason that I am here. That I can use my body, my mind, for good. That being treated poorly because I am disabled is NOT actually about me.
And so I shift. Slowly, and persistently. I shift and I become more open and more gentle. I am worthy because I am here. My body is worthy because it is here.
I don’t need to push, to resist my body’s changes, to ignore my intuition, to avoid the messages my body is sending me, to comply with someone else’s program for health or to earn the right to be in my body.
Your body does not need to prove its worthiness. To you, or to anyone else on the planet. Being gentle with myself has changed the way I experience life and living.
I wish the same for you.
